Who am I? Where are we? What are we doing here? What is the truth of reality? How can I ever know anything to be true? And, why am I so starving for something I can't touch or see?
These questions have been my closest companions since I was a young girl.
In my search I’ve had my Spirit seduced at the hands of gurus, preachers, teachers, professors -- all alluring me with their promised answers. This religion, that spiritual-but-not-religious-religion, this philosopher, that academic, this mystic, that theologian, this cult (oops) that socio-political movement, this scientific theory, that….
I’ve been restless and wrestling for my entire life. Most days wish I could just find that “Rest” button inside my Being that nestles up to The Great Mystery and takes a nap. Mercifully, for stretches of time that rejuvenation comes.
But the struggle always returns. The quest never stops. The longing for Truth seeps out of my pores like a Magnetic-Existential-Angst drawing the Ground-of-Being closer toward me. Begging it to Reveal Itself to me. Commune In me…Through me…With me.
Like any quest so lengthy and exposed, the effects have yielded Transformation born in Wind, Rain and Snow. Ice and flow. Desert and Swamp and Mountain Wildflower Valleys.
When a Spiritual Sickness caused my Physical Temple to revolt half a decade ago, I experienced Death. Death of the Stories that held me together. Death of the illusion of Control. Death to my False Peace. Death to Duality. Death to Me.
And, it happened more than once. It happened more than twice. It’s happened a couple times since I woke up this morning.
It’s the rhythm of existence.
To Die and be Born. Or is it to be Born and then Die? Sometimes I don’t know anymore. I just know it happened. It happens. And it keeps on happening.
The fiercest death happened in the midst of my health crisis as I came to the edge of the tallest Existential-Spiritual-Emotional cliff with the wind blowing at my back, the rocks crumbling beneath my feet, and some deep cry within me yelling at me
To Leap. To Trust. To have Faith.
It’s as if the Ground-of-Being wanted to teach me that
to find It I had to lose ground entirely.
So I did. I screamed. I tripped. I clawed. I prayed. I cursed.
The response of that Surrender is where my metaphor will fail me. The happy storybook version would share that I landed in some Welcoming Warm Water. Or on a Singing Soft Cloud. Or some Embodied Kindness grabbed my hand. Perhaps I learned to Flit and Fly.
All of those things happened
None of those things happened.
I would love to concretize exactly what transpired To Me, In Me, and Around Me. But, the Dimensionality is just too Vast.
Facets-upon-Facets of Multiplicity and Paradox:
Parts of me simultaneously Finding and Losing,
Trusting and Doubting,
Resting and Searching,
Healing and Hurting.
Why does the limitation of language always have to fail? Why is existence so vastly big and our inner solitude so maddingly constrictive and small?
Message me if you have the answer.
On second thought, please don’t. We’ve been here already (kindly see paragraph 3 ).
At this point you may be asking your own questions, like: “What nonsense are you even talking about?!”
Stay with me for a moment. I’m getting to the point:
When I leapt off that cliff, an Ineffable Holy Process unfolded: I found a Trust and a Love and a Truth that Saved my Life, Renewed my Spirit, and Held my Soul.
But, it didn’t stop the questions.
Those Nagging, Illusion-Busting, World-View Smashing questions.
So, I fought them. Tried to contort them. Suppress them. Silence them. And, it all felt so familiar. Recalling this is how I got on that cliff in the first place. While bouncing between worshiping at the altar of Religion or Science or Politics I re-discovered:
Suppression. Denial. Fake Faith clothed in Certainty with no room for Real Doubt.
Follow the Correct Rules this way to The Right,
but please ignore the Glorious Scent of the Divine wafting from over to the left.
So, I found myself right back on top of that Holy Cliff. Crying over those same Tired Alters. Different, but the same. Wind still blowing, height still causing Knee-Knocking and Heart- Pounding. But, with Wisdom from the former Trust Fall:
That it’s safe to sail headfirst into the Mystery when I experience that I’m held in Mercy, bathed in Grace, floating into Goodness.
When I Remember that the Intelligent Totality is called Love itself.
So, with the greatest and Realest Faith I’ve ever known, I leapt off that great height with my Questions draped around me like a Colorful Flight Suit called Honesty. No longer needing to hide, but on full display in Integrity, Honor and Reverence. Breathing the Forgiving and Generous air of The Sacred. That Love enveloped the atmosphere like I had never experienced before.
The Truth of All-of-Me seeking the Truth of All-of-It.
With real Faith.
With boundless Trust.
With incomprehensible Love.
The Great-Mystery showed itself to be so Deep-and-Wide and Vast-and-High that my questions were Nothing to fear. Nothing to hide. Darkness dancing with Shine. And, within me illuminated a Power so great that
No Institution could hold it.
No Political Party could touch it.
No Religion could claim it.
This LOVE. Oh, this big, big, Freeing and Joyful LOVE.
Trust bringing Peace to my head, Peace to my heart.
A Fertile Field to Play and Roam and Wander upon.
A Ground-of-Being that held me whether I
A fountain of Overflowing Faith that dared my questions to be as Big-and-Wide as the Ground-of-Being itself.
So, Dear Soul, I invite you to ask The Big Sacred Questions:
· Why are you alive?
· What is the nature of the Universe?
· And how have the answers to these questions impacted your Spirit?
Have you become wary of those with more answers than questions?
Of those Institutions and Empires Sowing Group-Think & Harvesting Hypocrisy
while hiding under a False Guise of Holy?
Are you feeling harmed by the Voices of Suppression and Oppression who organize themselves under the guise of God and call it Good?
· Has your Spirit & Psyche been harmed by such belief systems or institutions?
· Did these experiences make you withdraw from your connection to the Divine?
I’m not here to give you answers. But, to guide you to Re-Member into Wholeness with your Existential Questions. To Unconditionally Welcome and Love the parts of yourself that were harmed by Control and Suppression and the Fear-that-Fractures.
· Where are your questions? Who told you not to ask them?
· Who promised you Truth but sold you Fear and Compliance?
· Who silenced your Still-Inner-Voice and replaced it with their own?
Imagine if at the edge of that Holy Cliff you see beyond the False Distinctions spread by institutions of Science / Religion / Politics.
Then, in the deepest Divine Trust Fall:
What if you dared to really Leap into the Great Mystery?
What if you find that even in the midst of Spiritual Pain that The Infinite Love never left you?
What if you dared to Ask The Sacred Questions?